


And You Had Everything To Lose

by yosgay



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, M/M, Self-Acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-17
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6246106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yosgay/pseuds/yosgay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yosuke just wanted a chance to explain, to apologize, to do <em>something</em> to make this better, but truthfully he had no damn idea what to say. He absently wondered what kind of cards Junes had in the “sorry I freaked out and pushed you off your couch after you kissed me” section.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was just a simple question.

Yosuke sat there silent, eyes fixed stubbornly on the wall for so long that the colors started to change. He stared hard, until every manga volume and hand-made plastic figurine on Souji’s dresser had a glowey pink drop shadow. Instead of responding, he decided to count how many seconds he could go without blinking - until the room looked like he was on acid or something, his brain playing those weird ocular tricks. The question still hung heavy in the air, a question Yosuke was not going to even entertain, let alone answer. Nope. _Fuck that, he's wrong_. 

"Yosuke," his voice came, soft, a little sigh that was controlled enough to mask the impatience that Souji must have been feeling right about then. Yosuke hated upsetting him. But right now, even though he knew he should and would feel guilty about it later, he just didn't _care_. 

He shook his head slightly and blinked a few times, righting himself after only 20 seconds had his eyes feeling like he stood too close to an open oven, and picked a new target to bore a hole in, even further from those way off-base implications, and even further from Souji. 

Christmas lights. The multicolored strand of Christmas lights hanging from a neighboring roof, just outside the window, framed in the wall mirror's reflection. Yosuke always loved those lights, since he was young. There was that sense of wonder that filled him every time he walked home down the streets of Inaba, crunchy snow packing under his small footsteps, eyes wide and hungry. It should still be like that. Growing up wasn't supposed to change the little things, and it hadn't even been that long since he could still say he felt it. But this was different. This whole year was fucking different, and besides the obvious "facing yourself" bullshit, he didn't know _why_. 

He huffed a frustrated sigh. This was stupid, and dramatic, and Yosuke knew it. He didn't even know where all that had just come from. It made him feel like an immature kid, and it pissed him _off_ , like everything else lately. 

His leg was bouncing so hard that the whole couch moved rhythmically along with it. Souji sat facing him, cross-legged, posture prompting and inviting - that "it's okay, you can tell me anything and I won't judge" face burning him. And here Yosuke was, the fucking drama queen, squished to the total opposite end and facing forwards, legs down, fingers drumming against his crossed arms - performing basically every textbook action that screamed nervous but he _wasn't_ , okay?! It was just... hot in here, with his sweatshirt and the heat turned up. This wasn't embarrassing, because there was nothing to be embarrassed _about_ , and he didn't blush like a _girl_ dammit, he was just... _shit_.

Souji really did have this way of seeing right through him, of seeing right through everyone, and usually he could point out shit that Yosuke didn't even know about _himself_ and be spot-on, but this wasn't one of those times. He'd jumped the gun, into straight-up _weird_ territory, into shit that he _knew_ how Yosuke felt about, or _should_ have known, and he was just fucking _wrong_. 

Why did he even have to take it there? Yosuke hadn't thought anything of it when he'd asked Souji to spend Christmas together. They were best fucking friends, battle buddies, _partners_. Yeah, okay, maybe he got a little upset when Souji had said that he was spending it with Rise. But that was normal, right? It sucks when plans don't work out, and it didn't make him _jealous_. So, he was pouting a little bit. Fine. But why the hell did Souji have to take it there?

Yosuke rubbed the tip of his nose on his sleeve and toyed with the cord of his headphones. The worst part was that Souji hadn't even made a bit deal of asking. The simple, "are you jealous, Yosuke?" wasn't teasing, and was asked with the same deadpan, blank indifference that was Souji's way, and in his mind, it was just a simple question with an even simpler answer. Yosuke stammered and flailed around about it, of course, because if anything was constant in the entire goddamn world it's that Souji was the poster child for calm, cool and collected, and Yosuke just _wasn't_. Which was probably why Souji ended up taking that flailing as dishonesty, or something, and then flawlessly adopted the kind eyes of a world-class therapist, and proceeded to ask him _which of the two of them he was jealous of_. How does he _do_ that, make weird shit seem so normal? Whatever, fuck it.

" _Look_ ," Yosuke huffed, breaking the awkward silence. He ran his fingers messily through his hair. "I was just a little disappointed, alright?" Souji just blinked, expression unchanging, letting him go on. "Shit's finally getting _normal_ again, and we only have so much time before, well… you know, and I know that we all deserve our own time with you, and I wasn’t trying to mess with that, but I just - _ugh_." 

Yosuke pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes, trying to gather his words. He didn't like talking about this. Souji leaving was Souji leaving, and it had to happen, and he'd come visit, and blah blah blah. Whatever, Yosuke knew all that. He just _really_ didn't like talking about this, and his only consolation was Souji's visible flinch at the very mention of the spring. Yosuke brought his legs underneath him, finally turning back towards the other boy. "I'll miss you and shit,” he muttered. “You know that, partner.”

"I'll miss you too, Yosuke," Souji said meekly, and when Yosuke met his eyes, he looked away for a moment before turning back to face him, cheeks slightly pink. “Yosuke, w-would it... be okay if I...?" Yosuke quirked an eyebrow. Hang on, was Souji stammering? Since when did that happen? Yosuke wasn't aware that he was even _capable_ of getting flustered, and what the hell was he on about? When did he get this close, and is he… leaning in and…? _What is_ -

Souji was leaned all the way forward without Yosuke meeting him halfway - Yosuke, who was completely frozen, stuck watching a timid Souji close the space between them, a hesitant hand resting on his tense forearm. Their lips met, a soft and slightly chapped brush of skin that lasted only a second or two before Yosuke came back to himself and, without a moment’s hesitation, shoved Souji away, dumping him unceremoniously off of his own couch with a small surprised noise from the back of his throat.

“W-What the… dude what the _fuck_ was… w-what -“ he stammered helplessly, voice raising half an octave with every syllable. He scrambled away and shot up from where he sat, nearly knocking over a stack of books on the shelf, hands shaking at his sides - with… anger? Surprise? He had no fucking idea what, but Souji had just… did he really just…? There’s no way he did, but it didn’t matter, it didn’t _matter_ , he had to get _out_ of here. 

“Okay look Souji,” he started quickly, words half running into each other in his hastiness, and he elected to ignore how Souji's face fell slightly at the unfamiliar weight of his name. He shoved his hands into his sweatshirt to stop the shaking, and why the fuck was he shaking? “I don’t know what you got out of what I said, or if this is your idea of a  _joke_ ,” the last word came through more harshly than he probably meant it, punctuated through clenched teeth. He ripped his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his eyes hard. “But it’s not - I mean, just… what the _fuck_ , man?”

Souji wouldn’t look at him. He stayed where he’d fallen when Yosuke had pushed him away, staring at the floor with that calm, composed look back seamlessly on his face, any trace of a flush gone from his cheeks. His knees were drawn in close, feet folded uncomfortably on top of one another, and his entire body was statuesque in its stillness. He looked... well, he just looked like Souji, and Yosuke knew that he was probably over-reacting, because Souji was weird, sure, but there’s no way he was like _that_ , so there had to be an explanation - but Yosuke was too flustered from whatever the _hell_ that was - too flustered to even feel bad about pushing the guy off of his own couch.

“Yeah,” he said from the floor, a tiny tremble hiding behind his cool inflection. “A joke.” He sniffed once, cleared his throat, and slowly pushed himself up from the floor. He looked at Yosuke for a second through his bangs, not quite meeting his eyes. “I’m sorry, I guess it wasn’t very funny.”

Yosuke bounced slightly on the balls of his feet with his arms held close to his chest, gaze flicking towards the door every few seconds. Great, a joke. Ha-ha. That didn’t make Yosuke feel any better for some reason, and he still wanted to cut and run, to just _go_ , but something just on the edge of Souji’s voice was keeping him rooted in place. It really, _really_ didn’t help that he just realized that, if it counts, that was technically his first kiss. His stomach lurched, like a hive of bees was trying to force its way up and out of his mouth, and his arms tightened around his frame - but he didn’t just want to _leave_ things like this.

“Okay listen,” Yosuke exhaled the heavy breath he was holding, arms falling loosely at his sides as his shoulders dropped. “I know everybody’s got their shit I guess, and yeah, I don’t think that little stunt exactly won you comedian of the year," he chuckled, without any levity, and Souji’s expression shifted just slightly as he pursed his lips. No, it’s alright - he could sweep all the awkward moments under the rug with some stupid joke and find a way to make this better, like he always does. He sniffed shallowly through his nose and tried to keep his voice light. "Maybe that type of shit was fine where you grew up, but - ” Souji scoffed loudly, his suddenly fierce eyes snapping to Yosuke’s, _immediately_ shutting him up. 

“Goodnight Yosuke,” he spat, all demure gone from his guise as he ushered Yosuke into the hallway, and closed the door in his face. It happened so quickly, and Yosuke was left there, incredulous, mouth still half-open before he swallowed thickly, only then noticing the squeezing feeling in his throat.

He stood in front of Souji's door for a few minutes, starting to knock and then hesitating about a dozen times before he finally shoved his hands in his pockets and walked outside into the cold, wondering how the fuck he felt like he was in the wrong here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh the worst thing about writing holidays is now u all know exactly how long this has been sitting in my drafts


	2. Chapter 2

After the hundredth toss and the millionth turn, Yosuke finally gave up and opened his eyes - which ended up being much easier than it should have been, given how tired he was. He squinted in the darkness as he sat up and threw off the blankets, purposefully avoiding the clock on his bedside, as if not knowing the lateness of the hour could _possibly_ make it easier for him to get up for school in the morning. He groaned and swung his legs off the futon, the cold air hitting his bare skin immediately. He dragged an open palm down his face and blinked, hard. 

He sighed heavily, and side-eyed the sleeping pills kept on his dresser, and hesitated. As much as he wanted to just get some damn sleep already, he knew it was already really late - later than the 8 hours he was supposed to give them to wear off, and he already didn't feel like being half-drunk on his bike in the morning. 

But closing his eyes and counting sheep and all that other dumb crap wasn’t working at all, because he just couldn’t stop _thinking,_ and wondering how everything got so crazy the other night. He knew he had to fix this - he couldn’t fuck it up like every other friendship he had back in the city. Those guys had never meant anywhere near as much as Souji meant to him now, and if he didn’t do something soon, what if Souji never forgave him? What if he realized what a shitty friend Yosuke was, and never talked to him again, and _hated_ him, and - _whoa, okay, jesus, calm down._ Yosuke stopped and caught himself before the crazy snowball of thoughts turned into an avalanche again, and brought him full circle. He rubbed his temples for a few seconds, and then headed for the kitchen, careful not to wake up Teddie.

Cereal hitting ceramic always sounded like trench warfare in the middle of the night, and Yosuke was kind of amazed that Teddie hadn’t bounded out of his closet and begged for some of his own yet. 

He sat there alone, eating in the dark without really tasting anything. His mouth felt sort of like how a dog’s must feel when you feed it too much peanut butter, and half of it ended up dumped down the sink. He rested his head against the cool countertop, and tried to swallow the sticky, awful feeling in his throat. 

Souji hadn’t answered any of his calls the last two days, and he’d left school both days in a flash as soon as the bell rang. Yosuke just wanted a chance to explain, to apologize, to do _something_ to make this better, but truthfully he had no damn idea what to say. He absently wondered what kind of cards Junes had in the “sorry I freaked out and pushed you off your couch after you kissed me” section.

The tiny Christmas tree nightlight on the kitchen wall glowed like a torch in the dark room, and Yosuke stared at it dejectedly. The kiss. _That_ was something he was going to have to start thinking about sooner or later. But like… what could Souji have _possibly_ meant by it? They’ve always been comfortable enough around each other to get a little closer than some guy friends might, but damn, nobody’s _that_ close. Maybe girls can get away with touchy shit like that, but Yosuke’s made it perfectly clear where the line is. He thought he knew Souji pretty well - well enough that, now, he’s just really fucking confused, and it was making his stomach hurt in a weird way. Either way, he had to do _something_.

Socked feet tip-toed practiced steps back across the hallway and Yosuke unplugged his phone from the wall. He brought it back and plopped back down at the kitchen table, scrolling through his contacts until he landed on Souji’s number, ready to bite the bullet. He didn’t want to do this over text, but it was better than nothing. 

Halfway through typing some half-assed, pandering apology just to get things back to normal - a sudden, prickling heat crept up his neck and into his cheeks, and Yosuke's fingers froze.

Did he… kiss Souji back?

Yosuke stared at his phone, dumbfounded, for 10 minutes before falling asleep at the kitchen table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> somewhere, somehow, in a middle school across town, nanako's spidey sense is tingling


	3. Chapter 3

Yosuke shifted to crack his neck for what seemed like the hundredth time since homeroom, and exhaled harshly through his nose at the lack of a satisfying _pop_. This stupid ache had his head pounding ever since his concerned mother had woken him up from his less-than-ideal sleeping position this morning, with a little jostle that nearly sent him tumbling to the kitchen floor - not to mention woken him up _late_ , and gotten him a nice earful from Kashiwagi. And even though he knew that blaming his mom was way off-base, he was just _pissed_ right now, dammit.

Christmas freakin’ Eve, and he was fighting with his best friend.

It was all he could do to not just say fuck it, tug on his headphones, and slam his head down on the desk to sleep the school day away. But he was too irritated to even nap, no matter how much the lack of sleep was probably making it worse. He alternated between staring at the clock and boring a hole in the back of Souji’s neck for the whole morning, damn near boiling over waiting for the lunch bell to ring. As soon as it did, Yosuke stood up and marched to the front of Souji’s desk. No more excuses. No Ayane, no Naoki. They were hashing this out _now_. 

Souji met Yosuke’s eyes easier than he expected him to, no practiced excuse hanging on his lips this time.

“We should talk. On the roof.”

“Yeah. Let’s do that,” Souji said curtly, gathering up his things. He walked two beats ahead of Yosuke all the way up the stairs. 

The air on the rooftop was brisk, and likely what was keeping any other students inside for the day. The loudest noise was a few birds chirping cheerily on the chainlink fence, and the chilly breeze blew by and rustled his hair once, twice. Yosuke didn’t even feel the cold, and it looked as though Souji didn’t either. They stopped somewhat awkwardly facing each other, Souji seeming to dare him to talk first. The two stood still and unflinching, like a cliche stand-off in some stupid anime, and Yosuke groaned frustratedly.

“Are we ever gonna talk about this?” he began.

Souji stared steadily, a little coldly, and didn’t move to speak. Yosuke threw up his hands. This was fucking _stupid_. If he wanted to play it childish, fine, but Yosuke would freeze to death before he left this rooftop without fixing things.

“You can’t ignore me forever.”

Souji’s face blanked out, and he folded his arms coolly over his chest. “Go ahead, then.”

“Not if you’re gonna be like that, dude. Talk to me like a human being,” he said firmly. “This isn’t a damn interrogation.” It felt weirdly daunting to talk back to the boy who was their leader for so many months, but they were supposed to be equals now, so Yosuke held his ground. He wasn’t going to talk to a stone. He would piss Souji off if he had to, but this passive-aggression shit _wasn’t_ gonna happen.

Souji had a few modes when it came to anger, and no matter how well he was hiding it, the subtle nuances were evident and Yosuke could tell - this was _different_. It had never actually been directed towards him until now. At least, nothing that went beyond the realm of trivial annoyance or admonishing. Every time Yosuke had teased Kanji, especially during the camping trip - Souji’s brow had furrowed and his usually composed face looked slightly pained. He was genuinely disappointed, and Yosuke knew that he must have been more upset than he seemed when he gently mentioned the word “apologize.” Yosuke had felt guilty for the rest of the week. But this wasn’t petty, or babying. Souji wasn’t just angry. He was _hurt_. But _so was Yosuke_ , dammit.

“Oh, I’m sorry - did you have something to say?” Souji said, too brightly for his narrowing eyes. “Because really, I think you already said plenty.” He shifted his weight slightly and licked his lips. It was actually kind of terrifying how he could communicate that much anger with a smile on his face.

“What are you talking about?”

“Something about, where I’m from?” Souji tapped his lip once sarcastically, and the smile vanished. “Because clearly the only _possible_ way anyone could be _different_ from you would have to start with where they’re from,” his expression contorted and his voice started to build, every other word punctuated through grit teeth. “Or, it was something that _happened_ to them, or maybe it was their environment, or how my parents raised me, or any of that other _bullshit_ -“

“Just hold - just _wait_ a second, this isn’t about me saying some stupid _shit!_ ” Yosuke was yelling now, scaring some nearby birds off the top of the fence. He had no idea where _that_ all was coming from, but like _hell_ he was gonna let Souji think that he was _looking down on him,_ for _anything_. “Like I’ve never done _that_ before, Mister fucking foot-in-mouth Hanamura - and you should know _damn_ well by now that I’m an idiot, and that I didn’t mean it. We grew up in the same fucking _place_ , you ass -“

“So that makes it _okay_? Just because you didn’t know how to react, you can throw out a low jab, and just expect me to -“

“Okay, Jesus, I get it already!” Yosuke slammed a palm into his forehead as he cut him off. “If I can admit that I don’t know how I feel, then can you at least _apologize_?”

“You - I - wait, _what_? What the hell _for_? I wasn’t the one who -”

“You _kissed_ me, man! Out of nowhere!” He threw his hands up, exasperated. Souji scoffed and opened his mouth to protest, but Yosuke cut him off. “I wasn’t _ready_ for that!” His voice broke, and he took a stuttering breath. “I just… wasn’t ready for that.” he said again, softer this time, and Souji closed his mouth.

Yosuke’s hands shook, head pounding behind his eyes. “Why did you have to _do_ that?” His voice trembled obviously, and he let it. He was so fucking _tired_ , and not just from a poor night’s sleep. “Why’d you have to _complicate_ everything?”

“That’s not what I was trying to -“

“I don’t mean the _kiss_ , dumbass,” he looked at Souji, feeling stripped bare again, eyes red-rimmed for the first time since the Samegawa. He gestured limply, and then dropped his hands, letting the words die on his tongue. 

Yosuke squeezed the skin on his arm to keep from tearing up, and couldn’t bring himself look at Souji. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Another wave rose into his throat, and his panicked feet stumbled instinctually towards the door to escape. He didn’t want to do this in front of Souji again - didn’t want to be _weak_ again. He fumbled for the handle to just fucking _leave_ already, but Souji gripped his arm and stopped him.

“Wait,” he said in a small voice. “Yosuke, I - look, I didn’t mean -“ Yosuke stopped for a long moment as Souji’s strained voice failed him, steeled himself, and pulled back. He turned around and wrapped his arms securely around Souji’s frame. He stiffened, unsure, and then melted just like Yosuke had all those weeks ago. Souji gripped the back of his uniform jacket, and held on through weak knees.

“I just thought - listen, I - I’m so fucking sorry,” he buried his head and gripped Yosuke’s shoulders tighter.

“Yeah dude, I am too,” his voice came weakly as he squeezed a little tighter for a second, and then broke away. Souji’s eyes were puffy and wet, and he looked so… human. It was weird being on the other side of this for once, but Yosuke didn’t feel embarrassed. He wiped his eyes, but didn’t turn away to leave again. He had to keep reminding himself that Souji wasn’t going anywhere, wasn’t fucking _judging_ him. If this is what what it really was to be equals, then he could deal with that. It wasn’t just being strong together, or for each other. All their weak shit had to come with the territory. They saved the goddamn _world_ , for christsakes - they could do this, too. Yosuke sucked in the crisp air.

“I… didn’t mean what I said,” he bit his lip and looked away. “Any of it. That was a really shitty thing to say.” Yosuke gripped his arms close to his chest, the chilly air finally starting to permeate his uniform jacket.

Souji’s nose whistled as he took a breath to compose himself, and he punched Yosuke’s shoulder lightly. “Yeah.” He smiled that small, effortless smile of his, the one that Yosuke could never help but return. The one that made his eyes glitter a little, and crinkle at the corners. Yosuke loved that smile. “You should probably think a little more before you speak.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure,” he muttered.

“Could we maybe… start over?” Souji murmured slowly, peeking through his bangs. “Partner,” he added with a shy smile.

“Of course, man,” Yosuke said, and grinned through a sniffle. “You’re stuck with me.”

They both laughed, and each took a steadying breath. Earlier today, that whole fight had seemed so… monumental. Yosuke barely slept those last two days, worrying himself sick, and after everything that they’d been through, he it felt like he was losing a family member. Or... maybe something _else_. And that _scared_ him, and he acted like an idiot. But standing here with Souji, never minding the bite of the air and laughing easily, the whole ‘fight’ thing seemed kinda silly. Important, _necessary_ even - but definitely silly. “Come on man, let’s eat. I’m starving,” Yosuke said, grinning. Souji rolled his eyes and faithfully took the waiting bento out of his backpack for them both to share. 

They stayed and ate on the roof even through the winter chill, and relaxed into a comfortable conversation. They laughed and teased each other, Yosuke trying to sneak noodles from Souji’s side whenever he wasn’t looking. They battled with chopsticks and told stupid jokes and imitated Souji’s dragon-like Personas with their visible breath, and easily fell back in step with each other. 

Yosuke breathed through it, and felt the knot in his stomach finally loosen completely. Even if it was rough sometimes, they were still best friends, still partners, and they both knew that. 

And maybe, right now, that was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen. sometimes life isn't fair
> 
> these dorks will figure it out eventually tbh


End file.
